So this is goodbye

Away Team,

More than a month after  my HK trip and just 5 days away from my Seoul-searching trip again and I still haven't updated you on what has happened so far. Sorry, I've been drowning in work as you have been with school.

Anyway, the big news is, MY LOVE AFFAIR WITH HONG KONG HAS OFFICIALLY ENDED. I may have mentioned this to you in passing during one of our phone convos but I am officially declaring it here. I don't know if it had to do with the weather or whatever but I just don't feel the same way about it compared to my previous visits. I was wandering all over Hong Kong but I can feel my heart breaking. No, I am not being melodramatic for this post but it was exactly what I felt while I was going around HK. The skyline which never fails to bring butterflies to my stomach was replaced by a feeling of a lost love. I've never been in love with a person but I think I experienced my first love (and first heartbreak) with a place. Still, I had fun while I was there but the comfort it brought me can now be likened to a good 'ol friend, not a crush I can't wait to see every single time. I don't  think I'll be coming back just yet in the next few years. Well, unless it is with you, of course. Hong Kong will always be special to us because it's our first trip together. :)

[I just spent the last 20 minutes or so trying to upload a few pictures to no avail. Just pretend I have pictures with these words, okay? I promise to upload some next time.]

Moving on, Macau though is a different story. I think on this trip, I enjoyed my stay in Macau more than in HK. If the first time I went I said Macau is just somewhere people work, now I realized it can be homey as well. ^^ Got to explore more side streets and food this time since we spent 2 days there. We even attended a Portugese mass. LOL. Really chill place and I was surprised so much has changed since I last visited. I will definitely go back again, hopefully before the year ends or maybe next year. ;) Even Mama loved it there.

[At this point, pretend I have some more pictures for you.]

Anyway, need to start packing again. Can't wait to see you again in December!

Love,
Home Team

No More Christmas

Away Team,

Today feels like a Friday. Just because we both say so. :p So glad to hear from you on twitter. Anyway, 18 hours to go before I fly back to HK and see Eric.  :))

Wish you were here,

Home Team

Just Like Me

Away Team,


Dropping by just to let you know that I may or may not be writing a fic in the near future. It is somewhat Yeohaengi-related but is grounded in reality. Not spilling anything else because even I don't have a clear idea as to where this thing is going. I am so dependent on what will happen on specific dates. But if I do write, rest assured that you will be the first one to read it. :)

Also, D-9 before I see Hong Kong again. :D #psyched

Missya Mecha Lot~<3

Home Team

I can be your lifeline

AWAY TEAM,

First off, I must say I love your post title. I think it’s one of my favorite words in the vocabulary. Yeah, I’m certain it is, so GOOJAB! J

On your to-do list, I’m pretty sure you can ace it. It might feel like you’re drowning in it now but that overwhelming sense of relief after accomplishing everything will be worth it. And yes, you and I both know that you are capable of doing those things. We might freak out a bit and think everything’s too big of a task for us but it isn’t. We are fighters, always remember that! ;)

Breakdown? Nah, I think you just need a really good cry. (Something I haven’t done either since you left but I know it’s different for us.) And since I can’t call you, I’ll just have to call Mic and tell her to give you a great big hug for me. You have no idea how much I want to personally give you one right now, especially after reading your post.

I do understand that it’s hard to post here given that you’re swimming in all these emotions and there’s this challenge of adjusting to a new environment and all. Doesn’t feel normal yet but I think evetually it will be.  (Or we can just both move someplace else, conquer another city. ;))

So you don’t need to be sorry about not being able to post here and not being able to read anything up until 2 days ago. Truth be told, I had this inkling that you were avoiding posting here for that exact same reason you just said. Sure, you put on a smile when we talk on facetime and I don’t know if I’m reading too much on your expression but I see sadness and longing and I’m sure there’s always a tinge of weariness there. Either I just know you too well or the situation’s too predictable or both but I see that.

As much as I want you to come home asap, I know that would be too selfish of me to egg you on that. I want to hug you and talk to you about everything that’s bothering you so we can make it go away or at least think of something to deal with it. To be honest, I don’t go home to Fairview as much as I did in the past because although things still seem to be just the way they used to be, the loneliness eats me up as soon as I set foot on the gate because I know there’s no you or Mica to greet me with a hug. And although there are times when we don’t exactly talk to each other and just deal with our own things, it’s comforting to know that you guys were just a few steps away from me, always ready to listen when I burst into random rants and musings. That familiar comfort isn’t there now. It just isn’t the same. And I miss you more when I’m there because I can turn the house upside down and there still won’t be you. L

[updated my calendar in the middle of writing this and I accidentally wrote your name instead of my the one I’m having dinner with]

But it still breaks my heart because you’re going through all these things and I’m left helpless because I can’t do anything about it.

Crying is good, therapeutic even. And if you wan’t someone to listen to you, even without words, you know I am just a phone call away. Also, you know I don’t exactly need a long-ass post from you. Just knowing what’s on your mind, even if it’s just made up of fewer than usual words is totally acceptable for me. (As long as it is done with love, which I know the one below is). And yes, I’m confident you can learn to deal with this evetually.

Consider me hugged as well as everybody else, as you requested. I am even stealing a few more hugs for myself (just because I know I need/want them).

Looks like I just matched and answered every paragraph you wrote. :)

Ok, my turn for updates!

Well, I downloaded Atlantis Princess a few weeks ago because I realized it weirdly reminded me of you. :) #memories And yes, it has become a nostalgic-happy song.

I'm starting to get psyched about my trips which are 20 and 64 days away, respectively. We never got the chance to go back to HK together so we need to do that when you get back! :) I promise to post pictures of my trips here as well as of the boys I am going to harass while I’m overseas. And you are allowed to hate me for it (while not-so-secretly being happy for me too). Keeping my fingers crossed that Eric is still in Disneyland and that he still remembers me after 3 (6) years.

Uhm, I didn’t go see SiHae when they were here but you already know that I wouldn’t really go because it’s FFA and it’s basically having a death wish if I did. Also, #elitistbitch.

OOOOOHHHHH, I DYED MY HAIR SUNSET RED!!! Except we used the wrong oxidizing solution for the 1^st mix so it’s not exactly as red/orange as I wanted it to be and the pictures can’t exactly capture the color. But I can wait 8 more months before I update it to something REDDER. I AM PSYCHED!

Something tentative, a friend offered me a free trip to anywhere for 7D/6N with her. Yes, anywhere. That includes roundtrip airfare and 4-5 star accommodation. We’re eyeing Taiwan but no definite plans yet but will happen within a 1-year period. We haven’t really discussed it at length because I am still too awestruck to react. Will keep you posted on this.

Although at this point, I am still unsure of where I’ll be next year. Unsure in the sense that I don’t know if I’ll still be in this job/company/country. No, I am not unhappy with my job. It’s just that usually, around this time of the year, I already have a clear view of where I’m going or what I’ll be doing the same time next year. But this time, I am stumped. Heck, I don’t even have a list of countries to visit next year or any booked flights for that matter. It is both frightening and exhilirating because I think something big and awesome and mind-blowing and completely unknown is coming my way. YES, I AM CLAIMING IT! #expectantfaith

So there’s your update. 

I started drafting this post at 9am (my time) in between work and it is now 3:26pm. I don't know how to end this so i'll just go with this quote from one of my favorite fics from unlearned (because I suddenly thought of this exact line in the middle of writing)

"Like the safe place where you can slide down the door and look around and say, welcome back." #comfort

I LOVE YOU AND I ALWAYS MISS YOU! <3

HOME TEAM

P.S. I didn't call because I'm good but I did text you. :)
P.P.S. I seem to have left out a reply for the fic you were asking. Sadly, haven't written fic in ages. No plot bunnies and muses either. :(

Drowning

It figures that I'll post something when I'm drowning in schoolwork.

On my to-do list are:
1. Complete assigned section in a research paper by Saturday, work on other parts by Wednesday, and finalize everything by next Saturday.
2. Make slides that I'm going to present to my professor online and a 500-word abstract on a topic that I still haven't had the time to choose by Sunday.
3. Draft of a process modelling paper by Wednesday then finalize it by the following week.
4. Use a software thingy to simulate how enterprise systems are used; have to go through all the sample exercises first, haven't even installed the software
5. Read a gazillion readings

I want to believe that I am capable of doing everything done before the deadlines, but I can't. I'm starting to freak out. Adrenaline seems to be coursing through my veins all day now because of the constant worrying. I know that I'll break down soon. 

I don't think I have the time to spare for that though.

But really, my not posting is not because of the lack of time. It's not because of crappy internet either (we had  an excellent connection for 2 weeks now). It's because I'm scared that when I start to write, the feelings and memories will pour out, and I wouldn't know how to handle myself.


I visited the blog for the first time since I left yesterday. I only read your birthday post yesterday. I'm sorry that I didn't read it right away. I'm sorry that I didn't write when I said I would. I'm sorry for not wanting to think about home and family and everything that I used to do. Even then, images would flash in my mind - the vividness making it seem like it was burned at the back of my eyes. Sadness overwhelms me afterwards, and despite  me saying before that being alone doesn't equate to being lonely, I couldn't pull out any inkling of happiness from within. There is no one to hug here. No one to talk to when I want to cry. There's no time to distract myself from my emotions and when I do indulge by reading fanfiction or watching videos, I feel guilty afterwards. We went here to escape our old lives and start anew. But I can't escape the cycle of loneliness that I'm going through.

I want to go home. The apartment's small and I feel that I can't breath at times. It's dark here. I miss the sunlight streaming through my windows every morning. I want to hug people and pour my heart out. But you're not here. And you know that I can't do it with anyone else. I'm so scared, but no one can understand me but you. It feels like I'm drowning and not having a floater to lift me up to the surface, nor having the ability to swim, I am sinking deeper.

--
So...

I cried my eyes out a bit. I'm calm now. No worries. I also drank a big ass power drink to help me go through a night of studying. I'm sorry if it's not the long ass post you wanted. I'll try to do it one of these days (give me my fic first!). I miss you. Don't think that I don't just because I don't post. I'll learn how to deal with this eventually (maybe after I finish everything) and then I'll be able to write more. 

Hug yourself and everyone back home for me. PLEASE. Post something on what's new with your life (not going to twitter for the same reasons as not going to the blog). I love you!

Until next time,

AWAY TEAM.

P.S.
Don't call me! I might end up crying. God forbid, I start bawling on the streets of Brisbane. :P

Someday We'll Know..

Away Team,

(title)..just because I'm listening to it as I type this.

So I was working when I suddenly figured I needed a break and decided to work on my itinerary for Hong Kong. Started by opening my file and as I was filling up the days with activities, I remembered your email about it and went to gmail to retrieve it. As expected, I was sidetracked by our chat logs so here I am now. I was actually reading the exchange we had when we conceptualized this thing. It was May 8 and you just found out that you were granted your visas and we were wailing on the lack of time to do things and as well as the freaking distance between us when the move materializes. Anyway, that's not the point! The point is that we made rules and we suck at seeing it through! XDDD Not that you are to be blamed because shitty connection is shitty. :p And with school coming up, I am positive that you are drowning in there. But then again, I am holding on to that promise that you have a multiple post just for me.:D

Updates? Well, I loved that call you made last Tuesday coz it reminded me of the times when you're walking out of the Ateneo grounds and you'd just call me so that you'd have someone to talk to on your way home. Yes, I am being mushy but I do miss that! And it made me smile silly after. 


Boys, I still have none. Girls, maybe. LOL. 


What else? Oh, we finally got a TV for the condo last night. Well, I will survive without it but you know who keeps on nagging about it. :p I'm not used to having it on at night anymore. I think it was on too loud and it strains my eyes. Also, I may have an spur-of-the-moment local trip this weekend (if the weather permits). Just though about it last Tuesday and I think it's a go!


Fandom? I think you're missing a lot of things but I do hope everything normalizes in the next few months(?).


Well, I need to go. Work things await. UPDATE THIS SOON, OK?

/HUGSSSSS AND HEARTSSSSS/

Home Team

5 years: No fic, just pic. :)

Away Team,

Remember this picture?

(Please ignore the fact that this wasn't exactly taken on June 29, 2007, that's not the point. Besides, by the time we were together on that day we were already at the airport and I like the pictures outside the airport more.)

Anyway, that was our 2nd out-of-the-country trip together and it was for your nth birthday. Time flew by so fast and now is the 1st time that we're celebrating your birthday while we're in two different continents. Even so, I hope you have a great day today. Go out and eat cake and have chai! (Do the things Jaejoong did for Yoochun when he celebrated his birthday away from the three. Buy yourself a Howie! Eat fish and have wine, if you can. :p) Will do the same here and eat cake for three! :d And no, that is not to spite you. I am eating for myself, you and Mic.XDDDD

 I would love to give you a great big bear hug, but alas, that is not physically possible. I just hope you will finally pick up your phone and answer my call within the day. I miss you! Please don't forget to take pictures of what you're doing today and post it here. Even if it's late! I LIKE TO BE INFORMED, YOU KNOW!

Oh right, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I LOVE YOU!  ♥♥♥♥♥


Lots of love and hugs and cakes and coffee,
Home Team

Eternally Lost

Away Team,

Dropping by to say, WE SUCK AT THIS. LOL. Well, not really but I already had a draft an hour after I got home from seeing you off but after almost 2 weeks, I still haven't posted it. (We've already facetimed but that is just one mode of getting in touch). We were supposed to update this more frequently. Anyway, I know you're still adjusting to the new environment and I'm insulted that you already consider 21c as warm now. It is so freaking hot in my part of the world. HOW IS THAT FAIR???

I know your connection is being a bitch there but I hope it gets better when you move to a new place (although I already know that it won't unless you are willing to shell out 89AUSD). The most important thing anyway is that you update me with pictures on twitter. Also, I know you don't haet me. Will update you as soon as THAT thing is finalized. *fingers crossed* /teleports hugeass bear hug for 2 people.

Can't wait to see you (in any part of the world)
Home Team ♥

Prelude: D-14 (or is it 15) days

Away Team,

You came home from fetching your dad from the airport and one of the first things you told me was that it finally dawned on you that you're leaving and you can't do anything about it. I'm not exactly sure it it was a good or a bad thing so I veto that it's a neutral feeling. Anyway, I just realized that as the days pass and your departure starts to stare us right in our faces (with the hugeass suitcases and endless shopping for supplies), we've learned to embrace the change and actually start to get excited about the idea. Over tea last night, we were already talking about the routes you have to take to get to uni, the pains of house-hunting and just over dinner tonight, your dad started talking about the prospects of life in Brisbane.

Right at this very moment, I don't know how to feel about this anymore either(neutral, as I say). But I'm pretty sure that whatever appropriate feelings we need to convey will manifest itself on D-day. ;) Meanwhile, let's make sure we finish this mind-blowingly awesome family tree we've had in our heads for years (plus the new branches it has sprouted over the past few months) and translate it into something tangible while we still have the time.

P.S.

HOW IS OUR MIX GOING?

P.P.S
Just so that I won't forget, tell me how grad school is in Oz when classes start. You'll never know. ;)

Love,

Home Team

Prelude: How do you fit your life inside two suitcases?

05-21-2012
Home Team


How do you fit your life inside two suitcases?


This question has nagged me since I started to try and pack my things last week. I felt a mixture of dread and excitement (but mostly dread) as the bags start to fill up. Shirts, pants, and shoes are crammed into see-through plastics and Ma told me that I've got most of the necessities already; nothing that a few more hours in the mall or Divisoria wouldn't fix.


Necessities. Are these all that I need in order to live my life? I took a deep breath and shooed the thought away. I was thinking that I still have time to mope around later. I don't need to go all emo when I still have a month to go. But apparently I might leave in around 20 or so days, and I need to face this overwhelming feeling at the pit of my stomach (and of course, because you're nagging me to write the draft. ihu).


Looking at my bags again, I realized that there's too many things that I'd be leaving behind - things that I don't know how to live without. One of those things would be the LED TV in the living room. I wonder if I'll be able to fit it in my bag if I dismantle it? If I bring it, it means that I can still lay in front of it for hours. I'll watch the horror movies that the whole household loves to watch; the ones that make me race up the stairs and refuse to brush my teeth or use a blanket when I sleep. Then, I'll watch the romantic comedies that make me bust my gut and wish that I had a boyfriend; the action blockbusters that make sit at the edge of my seat and force my mouth hang open in awe; and the korean dramas that make me love the guy who won't get the girl and hate the girl who's trying to snatch away the boy. Lastly, I'll watch the videos of the people that I have come to love for more than a decade, people that make me squeal and spazz until everything feels right and bright in the world.


But on second thought, bringing the TV will be useless. It'll still be different. There will be no running commentary on the stupidity of a particular scene or the fugliness of a certain character. There will be no flailing and no rambunctious laughter to make the whole house feel alive. There will be no fishballs and fries and kettle corn popcorn and milo (which I still can't make myself btw). There will be no you. You - who I have spent almost a decade with; who I spend hours talking and philosophizing about anything and everything with; who thinks in the same wavelength as me; who laughs on things that no one else (sometimes our siblings will though) will understand; who knows the real me the most. You wouldn't be there to take up 2/3 of the bed. You wouldn't be there to share my happiness and sorrow. You'll be 3615 miles away. You won't be in another planet but you'll feel worlds away.


It's a good thing that you're thin so you'll probably fit in one of my suitcases but I'm not going to bring you. Even though I can't imagine how to live my life without meeting you at least once a month, I know that this move is something that we need to make our dreams a reality. I always envied how you can live your life freely. You know what you want and how you can get it. Eff everyone who says otherwise. You'll still do it. But me? I'm stuck in a high tower of some sorts, feeling every bit of a Rapunzel. I can only dream and gaze at the world through my monitor. This time I have the chance to be free from the loving clutches of my family and live a life free of unreal expectations and judging eyes. It might not be perfect and I'll probably make a lot of mistakes in the way. But this is something that I need to do by myself.So I'm going to act mature for once and not cling at you nor cry my eyes out (I'm not crying yet. The wetness in my eyes are not tears. It's the effect of opening your eyes all Chanyer-like). I'm going to make you proud of what I'll become in Oz. Just promise me that you'll keep on updating the blog. And that you don't go to much around the world while I'm on a travel ban (don't you dare go to EU without me). And that you won't stop being as awesome and as crazy as you are now. And that you'll do that one crazy thing that each person is allowed to do in their lifetime.


I'm not going to say goodbye. Nor am I going to miss you. I'll be strong so I wouldn't. Not your bone-crushing hugs (which is actually your bones crushing my body. XD). Not your whole being. We'll still be able to talk anyway. I even bought Skype credit so that I'll be able to call your phone when I need to. We'll still see each other, eventually. We'll all be together (with Yoochun and Donghae and Jinyoung the whole fandom), eventually. 


And you're right. There are still a lot of planning and talking to do. So get your ass in Quezon City so that we'll be able to. I'll see you soon? (like in 5 days or so because Kuya's back and there's no way that you guys are not going home this weekend. :p)


Love,
Away Team (who is not away yet)

Prelude: OK, We Can!

05.16.12

Away Team,

Counting down the days even if I don’t really know exactly when you’re leaving (and officially be called the Away Team). It just sucks that you have to leave at a time when there’s so much to talk about our common interests (or at least a few of the long list that we share) and when we still haven’t figured out how to go about with the rest of our days. Come to think of it, there are always a lot of things to talk about between us. J Anything, everything and nothing at all. We both have so many plans for our future, together and apart, and it seems like 9 years isn’t enough to really talk about it or even plan it all out.

I just talked to you on the phone yesterday about realizations I’ve had about the fandom we’ve been sharing for the past 8 years and I know I’m being overly emotional about it but I guess it had to do with the fact that you’re also leaving and I just want to cling to you through it so we can share so much more in the coming days. But I know it would also be selfish of me not to let you go on (and it’s not as if I have a say in it. :p). Oz would be a great opportunity for you, academically and just with your life in general. It’s a chance to start a clean slate, something I’d (we’ve) been yearning for a long time. Something that we’ve talked about, in bits and pieces, in numerous ninja conversations we’ve had over the past few years. We both crave to be in a place where no one knows about our history and to be able to be given the chance to do things over, live the life we want for ourselves without pre-conceived judgments from the people around us. And I’m glad you have that opportunity. I want you to grow; something that I don’t think you can fully do here. And so, with a heavy heart (sobs), I watch (and listen) as you fit the life you’ve lived here for the past 20 odd years in 2 large suitcases and fly 3615 miles away from home(me).

I remember when you first told me of your plans to move, (you called me at work, in case you don’t remember)  and I’m pretty sure we were both choking up by the end of the conversation. It was just an idea floating around then. But nevertheless, the idea of being in two different continents is heartbreaking. For the few more days, we were down until we felt that it was ok to breathe easy again because it looks like it was not happening anymore. But alas, the day came and everything seemed final. Your acceptance to QUT(did I get the uni right? FML. I fail!), IETLS exam results, getting your suitcases and visa. Yes, this is really happening. It is both a welcome change and a scary but exciting experience, for sure. And I guess there’s another good thing that this event brought about, *cough3615milescough*.

This is a long-winding goodbye but it all boils down to this: I will terribly miss you. I will miss the hugs, the 5-hour long conversations about everything; our coffee talks and philosophical discussions about the fandom; the jokes you and I can only understand. And although I know we won’t let things change between us, honestly, a part of me is still scared that the distance can some be detrimental to us. And I guess I am thankful that we have this. This little part of the interwebs where we can pretend we’re still right next to each other (I’m sorry but my playlist is killing me. Halfway through the letter it played Nell’s Slip Away followed by Bolero which is playing in my ear now. /sobs) or just an hour bus ride away instead of being continents and timezones apart. I’m pretty sure I’ll end up crying when the time comes (hopefully a weekend) and we need to see you off at the airport. I’m sorry that we can’t spend as much time together as we can while you’re still here. Work is in the way! LOL.  There’s still so much to talk about before you leave but I guess we’ll just work it our here, right? That’s the master plan! :D And this isn’t even goodbye yet coz you’re still here and just a tweet, a text, or a bus ride away. And if all else fails, just remember: OK, WE CAN! :D

Love,

Home Team