Home Team
How do you fit your life inside two suitcases?
This question has nagged me since I started to try and pack my things last week. I felt a mixture of dread and excitement (but mostly dread) as the bags start to fill up. Shirts, pants, and shoes are crammed into see-through plastics and Ma told me that I've got most of the necessities already; nothing that a few more hours in the mall or Divisoria wouldn't fix.
Necessities. Are these all that I need in order to live my life? I took a deep breath and shooed the thought away. I was thinking that I still have time to mope around later. I don't need to go all emo when I still have a month to go. But apparently I might leave in around 20 or so days, and I need to face this overwhelming feeling at the pit of my stomach (and of course, because you're nagging me to write the draft. ihu).
Looking at my bags again, I realized that there's too many things that I'd be leaving behind - things that I don't know how to live without. One of those things would be the LED TV in the living room. I wonder if I'll be able to fit it in my bag if I dismantle it? If I bring it, it means that I can still lay in front of it for hours. I'll watch the horror movies that the whole household loves to watch; the ones that make me race up the stairs and refuse to brush my teeth or use a blanket when I sleep. Then, I'll watch the romantic comedies that make me bust my gut and wish that I had a boyfriend; the action blockbusters that make sit at the edge of my seat and force my mouth hang open in awe; and the korean dramas that make me love the guy who won't get the girl and hate the girl who's trying to snatch away the boy. Lastly, I'll watch the videos of the people that I have come to love for more than a decade, people that make me squeal and spazz until everything feels right and bright in the world.
But on second thought, bringing the TV will be useless. It'll still be different. There will be no running commentary on the stupidity of a particular scene or the fugliness of a certain character. There will be no flailing and no rambunctious laughter to make the whole house feel alive. There will be no fishballs and fries and kettle corn popcorn and milo (which I still can't make myself btw). There will be no you. You - who I have spent almost a decade with; who I spend hours talking and philosophizing about anything and everything with; who thinks in the same wavelength as me; who laughs on things that no one else (sometimes our siblings will though) will understand; who knows the real me the most. You wouldn't be there to take up 2/3 of the bed. You wouldn't be there to share my happiness and sorrow. You'll be 3615 miles away. You won't be in another planet but you'll feel worlds away.
It's a good thing that you're thin so you'll probably fit in one of my suitcases but I'm not going to bring you. Even though I can't imagine how to live my life without meeting you at least once a month, I know that this move is something that we need to make our dreams a reality. I always envied how you can live your life freely. You know what you want and how you can get it. Eff everyone who says otherwise. You'll still do it. But me? I'm stuck in a high tower of some sorts, feeling every bit of a Rapunzel. I can only dream and gaze at the world through my monitor. This time I have the chance to be free from the loving clutches of my family and live a life free of unreal expectations and judging eyes. It might not be perfect and I'll probably make a lot of mistakes in the way. But this is something that I need to do by myself.So I'm going to act mature for once and not cling at you nor cry my eyes out (I'm not crying yet. The wetness in my eyes are not tears. It's the effect of opening your eyes all Chanyer-like). I'm going to make you proud of what I'll become in Oz. Just promise me that you'll keep on updating the blog. And that you don't go to much around the world while I'm on a travel ban (don't you dare go to EU without me). And that you won't stop being as awesome and as crazy as you are now. And that you'll do that one crazy thing that each person is allowed to do in their lifetime.
I'm not going to say goodbye. Nor am I going to miss you. I'll be strong so I wouldn't. Not your bone-crushing hugs (which is actually your bones crushing my body. XD). Not your whole being. We'll still be able to talk anyway. I even bought Skype credit so that I'll be able to call your phone when I need to. We'll still see each other, eventually. We'll all be together (with Yoochun and Donghae and
And you're right. There are still a lot of planning and talking to do. So get your ass in Quezon City so that we'll be able to. I'll see you soon? (like in 5 days or so because Kuya's back and there's no way that you guys are not going home this weekend. :p)
Love,
Away Team (who is not away yet)
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