Drowning

It figures that I'll post something when I'm drowning in schoolwork.

On my to-do list are:
1. Complete assigned section in a research paper by Saturday, work on other parts by Wednesday, and finalize everything by next Saturday.
2. Make slides that I'm going to present to my professor online and a 500-word abstract on a topic that I still haven't had the time to choose by Sunday.
3. Draft of a process modelling paper by Wednesday then finalize it by the following week.
4. Use a software thingy to simulate how enterprise systems are used; have to go through all the sample exercises first, haven't even installed the software
5. Read a gazillion readings

I want to believe that I am capable of doing everything done before the deadlines, but I can't. I'm starting to freak out. Adrenaline seems to be coursing through my veins all day now because of the constant worrying. I know that I'll break down soon. 

I don't think I have the time to spare for that though.

But really, my not posting is not because of the lack of time. It's not because of crappy internet either (we had  an excellent connection for 2 weeks now). It's because I'm scared that when I start to write, the feelings and memories will pour out, and I wouldn't know how to handle myself.


I visited the blog for the first time since I left yesterday. I only read your birthday post yesterday. I'm sorry that I didn't read it right away. I'm sorry that I didn't write when I said I would. I'm sorry for not wanting to think about home and family and everything that I used to do. Even then, images would flash in my mind - the vividness making it seem like it was burned at the back of my eyes. Sadness overwhelms me afterwards, and despite  me saying before that being alone doesn't equate to being lonely, I couldn't pull out any inkling of happiness from within. There is no one to hug here. No one to talk to when I want to cry. There's no time to distract myself from my emotions and when I do indulge by reading fanfiction or watching videos, I feel guilty afterwards. We went here to escape our old lives and start anew. But I can't escape the cycle of loneliness that I'm going through.

I want to go home. The apartment's small and I feel that I can't breath at times. It's dark here. I miss the sunlight streaming through my windows every morning. I want to hug people and pour my heart out. But you're not here. And you know that I can't do it with anyone else. I'm so scared, but no one can understand me but you. It feels like I'm drowning and not having a floater to lift me up to the surface, nor having the ability to swim, I am sinking deeper.

--
So...

I cried my eyes out a bit. I'm calm now. No worries. I also drank a big ass power drink to help me go through a night of studying. I'm sorry if it's not the long ass post you wanted. I'll try to do it one of these days (give me my fic first!). I miss you. Don't think that I don't just because I don't post. I'll learn how to deal with this eventually (maybe after I finish everything) and then I'll be able to write more. 

Hug yourself and everyone back home for me. PLEASE. Post something on what's new with your life (not going to twitter for the same reasons as not going to the blog). I love you!

Until next time,

AWAY TEAM.

P.S.
Don't call me! I might end up crying. God forbid, I start bawling on the streets of Brisbane. :P