I can be your lifeline

AWAY TEAM,

First off, I must say I love your post title. I think it’s one of my favorite words in the vocabulary. Yeah, I’m certain it is, so GOOJAB! J

On your to-do list, I’m pretty sure you can ace it. It might feel like you’re drowning in it now but that overwhelming sense of relief after accomplishing everything will be worth it. And yes, you and I both know that you are capable of doing those things. We might freak out a bit and think everything’s too big of a task for us but it isn’t. We are fighters, always remember that! ;)

Breakdown? Nah, I think you just need a really good cry. (Something I haven’t done either since you left but I know it’s different for us.) And since I can’t call you, I’ll just have to call Mic and tell her to give you a great big hug for me. You have no idea how much I want to personally give you one right now, especially after reading your post.

I do understand that it’s hard to post here given that you’re swimming in all these emotions and there’s this challenge of adjusting to a new environment and all. Doesn’t feel normal yet but I think evetually it will be.  (Or we can just both move someplace else, conquer another city. ;))

So you don’t need to be sorry about not being able to post here and not being able to read anything up until 2 days ago. Truth be told, I had this inkling that you were avoiding posting here for that exact same reason you just said. Sure, you put on a smile when we talk on facetime and I don’t know if I’m reading too much on your expression but I see sadness and longing and I’m sure there’s always a tinge of weariness there. Either I just know you too well or the situation’s too predictable or both but I see that.

As much as I want you to come home asap, I know that would be too selfish of me to egg you on that. I want to hug you and talk to you about everything that’s bothering you so we can make it go away or at least think of something to deal with it. To be honest, I don’t go home to Fairview as much as I did in the past because although things still seem to be just the way they used to be, the loneliness eats me up as soon as I set foot on the gate because I know there’s no you or Mica to greet me with a hug. And although there are times when we don’t exactly talk to each other and just deal with our own things, it’s comforting to know that you guys were just a few steps away from me, always ready to listen when I burst into random rants and musings. That familiar comfort isn’t there now. It just isn’t the same. And I miss you more when I’m there because I can turn the house upside down and there still won’t be you. L

[updated my calendar in the middle of writing this and I accidentally wrote your name instead of my the one I’m having dinner with]

But it still breaks my heart because you’re going through all these things and I’m left helpless because I can’t do anything about it.

Crying is good, therapeutic even. And if you wan’t someone to listen to you, even without words, you know I am just a phone call away. Also, you know I don’t exactly need a long-ass post from you. Just knowing what’s on your mind, even if it’s just made up of fewer than usual words is totally acceptable for me. (As long as it is done with love, which I know the one below is). And yes, I’m confident you can learn to deal with this evetually.

Consider me hugged as well as everybody else, as you requested. I am even stealing a few more hugs for myself (just because I know I need/want them).

Looks like I just matched and answered every paragraph you wrote. :)

Ok, my turn for updates!

Well, I downloaded Atlantis Princess a few weeks ago because I realized it weirdly reminded me of you. :) #memories And yes, it has become a nostalgic-happy song.

I'm starting to get psyched about my trips which are 20 and 64 days away, respectively. We never got the chance to go back to HK together so we need to do that when you get back! :) I promise to post pictures of my trips here as well as of the boys I am going to harass while I’m overseas. And you are allowed to hate me for it (while not-so-secretly being happy for me too). Keeping my fingers crossed that Eric is still in Disneyland and that he still remembers me after 3 (6) years.

Uhm, I didn’t go see SiHae when they were here but you already know that I wouldn’t really go because it’s FFA and it’s basically having a death wish if I did. Also, #elitistbitch.

OOOOOHHHHH, I DYED MY HAIR SUNSET RED!!! Except we used the wrong oxidizing solution for the 1^st mix so it’s not exactly as red/orange as I wanted it to be and the pictures can’t exactly capture the color. But I can wait 8 more months before I update it to something REDDER. I AM PSYCHED!

Something tentative, a friend offered me a free trip to anywhere for 7D/6N with her. Yes, anywhere. That includes roundtrip airfare and 4-5 star accommodation. We’re eyeing Taiwan but no definite plans yet but will happen within a 1-year period. We haven’t really discussed it at length because I am still too awestruck to react. Will keep you posted on this.

Although at this point, I am still unsure of where I’ll be next year. Unsure in the sense that I don’t know if I’ll still be in this job/company/country. No, I am not unhappy with my job. It’s just that usually, around this time of the year, I already have a clear view of where I’m going or what I’ll be doing the same time next year. But this time, I am stumped. Heck, I don’t even have a list of countries to visit next year or any booked flights for that matter. It is both frightening and exhilirating because I think something big and awesome and mind-blowing and completely unknown is coming my way. YES, I AM CLAIMING IT! #expectantfaith

So there’s your update. 

I started drafting this post at 9am (my time) in between work and it is now 3:26pm. I don't know how to end this so i'll just go with this quote from one of my favorite fics from unlearned (because I suddenly thought of this exact line in the middle of writing)

"Like the safe place where you can slide down the door and look around and say, welcome back." #comfort

I LOVE YOU AND I ALWAYS MISS YOU! <3

HOME TEAM

P.S. I didn't call because I'm good but I did text you. :)
P.P.S. I seem to have left out a reply for the fic you were asking. Sadly, haven't written fic in ages. No plot bunnies and muses either. :(

Drowning

It figures that I'll post something when I'm drowning in schoolwork.

On my to-do list are:
1. Complete assigned section in a research paper by Saturday, work on other parts by Wednesday, and finalize everything by next Saturday.
2. Make slides that I'm going to present to my professor online and a 500-word abstract on a topic that I still haven't had the time to choose by Sunday.
3. Draft of a process modelling paper by Wednesday then finalize it by the following week.
4. Use a software thingy to simulate how enterprise systems are used; have to go through all the sample exercises first, haven't even installed the software
5. Read a gazillion readings

I want to believe that I am capable of doing everything done before the deadlines, but I can't. I'm starting to freak out. Adrenaline seems to be coursing through my veins all day now because of the constant worrying. I know that I'll break down soon. 

I don't think I have the time to spare for that though.

But really, my not posting is not because of the lack of time. It's not because of crappy internet either (we had  an excellent connection for 2 weeks now). It's because I'm scared that when I start to write, the feelings and memories will pour out, and I wouldn't know how to handle myself.


I visited the blog for the first time since I left yesterday. I only read your birthday post yesterday. I'm sorry that I didn't read it right away. I'm sorry that I didn't write when I said I would. I'm sorry for not wanting to think about home and family and everything that I used to do. Even then, images would flash in my mind - the vividness making it seem like it was burned at the back of my eyes. Sadness overwhelms me afterwards, and despite  me saying before that being alone doesn't equate to being lonely, I couldn't pull out any inkling of happiness from within. There is no one to hug here. No one to talk to when I want to cry. There's no time to distract myself from my emotions and when I do indulge by reading fanfiction or watching videos, I feel guilty afterwards. We went here to escape our old lives and start anew. But I can't escape the cycle of loneliness that I'm going through.

I want to go home. The apartment's small and I feel that I can't breath at times. It's dark here. I miss the sunlight streaming through my windows every morning. I want to hug people and pour my heart out. But you're not here. And you know that I can't do it with anyone else. I'm so scared, but no one can understand me but you. It feels like I'm drowning and not having a floater to lift me up to the surface, nor having the ability to swim, I am sinking deeper.

--
So...

I cried my eyes out a bit. I'm calm now. No worries. I also drank a big ass power drink to help me go through a night of studying. I'm sorry if it's not the long ass post you wanted. I'll try to do it one of these days (give me my fic first!). I miss you. Don't think that I don't just because I don't post. I'll learn how to deal with this eventually (maybe after I finish everything) and then I'll be able to write more. 

Hug yourself and everyone back home for me. PLEASE. Post something on what's new with your life (not going to twitter for the same reasons as not going to the blog). I love you!

Until next time,

AWAY TEAM.

P.S.
Don't call me! I might end up crying. God forbid, I start bawling on the streets of Brisbane. :P